creating a space for nuanced living
Blog
Jul 21st, 2014
How to learn
Instead of doing do much. Instead getting lost in the learning. Instead of having learning being an escape from myself. ~ What do I like to do? That is enough.
Jun 16th, 2014
Annoyance
Annoyance for me has always gone to suppression. Turn annoyance into expression, speaking. Show it, use it, make it. I am not my depressed mom any more. I speak on the edge of myself. Recovering love, for all of us.
Jun 10th, 2014
When I stop, I am met. Or vice versa.
I couldn’t stop until I met the people who could meet my inner world. Meet it with intelligence and kindness. Now I have mentors. Now I can stop. Or maybe I stopped. Then I could be met.
Jun 3rd, 2014
That guttural moan, in the mid-life birth canal
Remember, as a way of being, no one has any energy when they are letting go. It is okay. Allow them not to do anything. Allow it for a long, long time. No exercise, no moving, no nothing. It can be very very important, needed, and beautiful. Don’t try to change or accelerate it. It is sacred, reptilian time. We lose our skin, our energy, we dissociate into something. The voice goes down to a...
May 14th, 2014
Morning tea
What is it to wake up in the morning , before I have to and have a cup of tea in the living room? Alone, by myself. The experience of only being in, and accepting my life. This is all there is. It is a new beginning.
Apr 28th, 2014
All these things I do first
All of these things I put in… to start to be able to find myself: – my practice — not falling behind — exercising — putting myself before anything in my day, structurally organizing my day – the pause,before working — not until that feeling — that fullness…, letting the feeling be the guide of pace, direction, timing, letting go –...
Mar 28th, 2014
Moving into insight… Letting go into be
I don’t have to figure anything out. I have spent so much of my life in trying to figure out how. Today I discover that I can just be. That is all I need to do. The rest will just come from that. It has a different experiential quality… how: – I have to figure out all the right framings – I have to lug along all this content – I have to explain through mechanisms – I start...
Mar 24th, 2014
A grief poem
No, I cannot have a house live close to my family make my partner whole remove grief have the family The street, the neighbors The easy to walk to little commercial area The time for crafts and projects I cannot have my father back, doing what I want, age 3 I cannot have my mother pick me up in my crib, every time My mother without sorrow My grandmother whole Shock treatments While my mother and her sister Sat at...
Mar 7th, 2014
In it, for now
This is hard. This…Letting go. Getting past ‘me’. Losing form-factors. Dropping attachments. Letting go of structures. Enticements, wants. All the stuff that ‘makes’ me feel good. If I can be bored, if I can be alone, then I can be free. I feel all the momentum & huge space it takes for me to go inward and release something new. It tectonic. No wonder… My judgment...
Feb 24th, 2014
The Shadow is here
I am really in my wound of my father. Unwinding. Finding and feeling deep shame and rejection. The shadow coming out everywhere, and I am learning dancing, releasing, and on the steady slow steps of releasing my gifts. And subtle, and bigger triggering is everywhere. I see it with humility and love, but it is still there. My driven body has held and hidden a lot. I feel my pelvis release, as I let go, let...
Feb 24th, 2014
A Self-Reflection: Cutting the cord
My true sexuality lies in my peers. (not the teacher) I have been missing myself and the others in the room. This is where my real juice lies. My life. My support. My relaxed self. Can I get to know it?… A self/reflection A. When did I feel the buzzing confusion? – what did I notice in my body? – what did I notice in my thoughts, memories, associating ideas? – what emotional quality...
Feb 17th, 2014
Finding the feminine
The feminine takes in all things. She doesn’t know confusion. She digests everything in vastness.
Feb 13th, 2014
Beginning Ground
I am reaching the end (or the beginning) of an energetic turn. I spent 3 months in a deep shavasana, Dec-Feb, a deep sensation of letting go completely. I found my body arriving this no moving, no agenda, no exercise, no nothing, not even ‘meditation’, or exercise, or anything, just stilling, stilling in my life. Like everything was flowing out of me. A limpid sac. A turning now. I find a ground,...
Jan 23rd, 2014
The tightest spot in me
We’re in the old tight places but I’m noticing I’m doing it differently. I am noticing – slowness ~ the need to go really slow – self-care and beauty ~ the fuel, the nourishment,first and driving flow – friendships ~ supportive, amazing, diverse, people who are present, reflecting, and love me, in it – church ~ weekly breaking bread together, learning to see our life...
Jan 10th, 2014
Discovery
Can I hold the opening without filling it? Where everything I’m upto lies. Discovery on the mat/cushion. How I radically transform. I feel Tara flowing, massive. Everything is here. Service. Practice. I become, become healer/ed.
Jan 7th, 2014
Blindspot – oh, how humble.
I have a huge blind spot. I am just starting to be able to glimpse it. How much I lose myself in the teacher. I couldn’t let myself see it. I didn’t know how to let myself out. So, I couldn’t let myself see it. Too painful. * Return to me. Being a good student is done. That agony is over. That abandonment is loved. In my tight spot, I start close in, Releasing everything (years to arrive...
Jan 7th, 2014
Glimpsing Integration
At first I thought it was all about striving. Then I thought it was all about letting go. But the integration is returning to myself. I am not there yet, but that is where I am headed.
Jan 7th, 2014
Embodiment
I know I’m not trying to be a good student when I am in the body.
Dec 31st, 2013
Let go
“Playfulness is a form of letting go” That is because I/you have to let go of control. I have to let go of architecting. Playfulness means returning to myself. Finding what is funny to me, what I feel like in the moment. Putting it out there, and seeing what responds; and I will play with what comes back. My coaching school talks about playfulness, but I didn’t really ‘get’ it. Not...
Dec 20th, 2013
A lot of contact
Can I give myself the joy of a lot of space? Can I handle the pressure, the contact, of beginning with me? Can I organize my space and my day from me. What is it to meditate first? What is it to have a desk clear? Why is it that we are really ‘busy’, really ‘full’? The body, the contact I need to be an artist. Everything as a felt sensation of me. Can I handle the contact? Shedding all...