A grief poem

No, I cannot have a house
live close to my family
make my partner whole
remove grief
have the family
The street, the neighbors
The easy to walk to little commercial area
The time for crafts and projects

I cannot have my father back, doing what I want, age 3
I cannot have my mother pick me up in my crib, every time
My mother without sorrow
My grandmother whole
Shock treatments
While my mother and her sister
Sat at home with a housekeeper, at most
I cannot make my lineage different
Or change my daughter’s life
Her birth perfect
My health what I wanted it to be
Our experience without gaps and difficulties
Her father and I in perfect unison
I can’t tell her that

Its a poem about grief
A poem about attachment
How it is passed on
How it can be loved
And healed

Instead..
I live from my pain
Into my grief
Keep from stuffing it inside
what killed part of my grandmother & mom
I sit, as it wildly thrashes me
I can shake, allow it, over years
Find people, friends who strengthen me
The courage, the body to live with it
More awake, not to fall asleep, or pass out, or push it away
I create

Someday it is life
Not the street I wanted
The family I wished
The projects exact
The life without grief
Instead life within life
On the edge of who I am
Turning inside out
Giving away, all

I am in pain
I am in it
Somehow more alive
I walk forward towards it
The helpless part in me
I love her, its
Part of my truth
So here I continue
Bringing these parts together
Slowness
Acceptance
Integration
Tthe long road
Of healing
Grief
Whole
When it is your life
Sigh..