Small Groups Ending – My formation & my existential resistance

Small groups have played a very important role in my life.  Getting me through some very tough times.  As I look back, I can see that it has been with most all along the way.

I notice now as I am finally doing my grief work of letting go.. throwing out old baby things, selling past treasured items, clearing my house of all unneeded elements and clutter so that I can move…I have my last night of small groups tonight.  Assisting in small group leadership training.

And I see in this ending, that I am learning something.  This 4 years of group participation.

What I don’t want to forget:

– This has changed me.  It was the first thing I wanted to do, and it was the guiding foundation of my practice.

– I have been enlivened by the authenticity of small group vulnerability and sharing.

–  I have been wowed and needed to participate: to be among other, to learn from others’ lives and my own.

– I have been blessed with  largely free small group training by sacred individuals and sacred programs.  I am grateful for the generosity passed on to me to lead.

–  I have not always understood the way that small groups have touched me.  Its the lingering effects that was the real working.  I am transformed by participating slowly.

– I have felt every feeling: elation, inclusion, grieving, to take risks, to be heard.  I have also felt hard at times: unable to feel, angry at those around me.  This is my form of deep resistance of experiencing loss: I feel outside, cold, angry, like I want no connection with anyone, and I have no love in me.  Ultimate resistance, really.  Dry brittleness before letting go.

– I see that new life forms on the other side.  I haven’t believed it.  For all my formation, I haven’t believed it in me.  Even last night, I wouldn’t believe that there was life on this side of today.  I have such a harshness on the edge of resistance.  Wow!  To stay in it, with someone like me is not easy.

– That is perhaps the most important thing to remember: I (and others) could not believe that there was anything on the other side.  I didn’t want to ‘hear it”.  Telling me something good would not help.   Arguing with me might.  But I did need to be among people to complete it.  Even when I felt cold and harsh inside, I needed to be around others to complete it.

Not people to be gushing over me.  Just people to show up and let me do whatever it is I am going to do.