Sorry teachers – I’ve been hard to work with

I have been hard to work with.  Smart and skeptical, not trusting of others, and not connected/knowing of myself. And expecting so much of others.  Expecting them to meet me there?  

I have been super smart and not very trusting.  Open minded, a young version of friendly, masking my blindness to how skeptical I’ve been.  Wanting things proven to me.  

In terms of intimacy, I transferred trust to science, to my mind – skeptical, not trusting of myself, of others, not trusting relationship. A logic cutting through and through my life.

Feeling very comfortable in the small postage stamp of being alone.  That is where I felt free(ish).  But that’s not able to do very much out in the world, very young, and not that big a part.

What is it to be me, out in the world connected?  The sense of self inside and out?  Relating and doing things and trusting.  And building a life around my trust and knowing, my felt sense connection with myself.  

What is it to be high adjustment.  Sorry teachers, that has been my homework.  And it’s been hard to get through.  Because how do you teach high adjustment to an overly smart person who doesn’t trust and lives as a skeptic, and sees themselves as nice and sweet, and so doesn’t even see that about themselves?  That has been my veil, my youth sense, seeing myself as nice and open and sweet and just needing people to be nice and open and sweet to me.  That is how I wanted to relate to people.  Power, a sense of self power not on the radar screen.  Never modeled.  Not in the world I came from.  Never known.  Certainly not a feminine integrated model in my life.  I thought kind was the the top of the developmental pyramid.  But kind without power can only interact a bit.  Kind needs a lot of power to take on snd show up a lot of places.  Adult, wise kind needs a lot of power and gives an appropriate response. Which can be fierce or sweet but siesta facilitate learning.  This I did not know or see or know how to build or experience.

My god, that is a possibility to be me out in the world connected.  And oh, how freeing that is. The start.

What worked, remember for working with others:

– guided visualizations

– Emdr

– triggering event analysis

– spiritual practice and community

– felt sense exercises

– people/friends responding to me in real life situations, in new ways

– invitations to new work, working relations

– training in assessments

– feeling the presence of others

– spending a lot of time alone

– cleaning out, clearing out a lot of stuff

– forgiveness exercises

– extensive grief work 

– new friends

– sacred objects

– being outside

– taking vacations to new places

– learning how to build competence I. Mundane area of my life that always bothered me

Sticking with me while I test all this out, and slowly… Find a felt sense of myself, and a spiritual marksmanship of what moves forward.  Thank you for sticking with my while I remove the veil slowly of my relational skeptic.  

Mind is open, heart and relationship is not.
Along the way: people died, illness, new birth, creating new boundaries, difficult conversations, surprise situations, leaving and shifting friendships, trying new ways, moments of collapse, letters, gaps, musunderstandings.