Demons in my calendar?

I have a new framework for guiding my weekly scheduling.

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Here are the 6 things I check in on to make sure I know what am doing:

1. Do my practice – I am my practice.  This is my day.  It is the foundation of what guides me.  It starts from here.  It requires no knowing or analysis.

2. Step up into creating and making – How I know what I am doing and where I am going.  Creating using my ‘hands’, brings voice, intention, ideas into concrete beautiful things in the world

3. Set up the boundaries of my work – Keep creating the structures and elements the hold my work. Then I can feel myself and feel where I am, it holds the practice.

4. Add clients – Trust connection.  This is what all the foundation is for.  Co-shape.  Play, discover, discipline, dance.

5. Manifest the family floor –  This is an essential part of my work, and how I shape.  I create a world around more than just me.  Back and forth back and forth.  It is a non-duality; me as woman; unity.  Rudder.  Radar.  Quarter Back. Making the individual and the whole at the same time.  Beauty in a crucial power.

6. Devotion to feminine strength – I study with my teachers. I devote myself to self-care and contemplation. I embrace my role.

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How I know what I am doing?

I schedule my week:
– I check and make sure that I have specific activities to fall into each category in my week.
– I make sure I touch all of them, with at least 1-2 things in each each week.
– Then I add the other ‘must-do, regular stuff’ AFTER Otherwise these misc. things take over

There’s lots of flexibility. When I see these 6 elements first on my calendar, I know I am on compass.

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What about the demons? Well, that’s the underbelly…

On a very deep level, I have let scarcity drive my sense of purpose.  I have left approval rejection/decide what is possible. I have left myself: either being competitive (getting out ahead, avoiding rejection) or in service (making you need me, being seen via your eyes). Exhausted, hidden, big-dissatisfied, small-needy, and confused about why I am always torn. And I haven’t even been aware of this most of my life. As I step away from insecurity, personality, externally defined priorities, and insecure possibilities, it leaves a big space!

Here are my big (step-into, don’t know how to do them yet) questions:

1. What is it I even do when I am not doing the approval / rejection thing? TRUTH: I have no idea!

2. How do I organize my time when I don’t have a crisis driving my sense of purpose? TRUTH: I have no idea!

3. How do I relate internally and to others when I am neither competitive (getting out ahead, in order to be bigger, cool) nor serving (making you need me, helping me be seen, via your eyes)? TRUTH: I’ve never really given myself the chance to explore!

The answer: I don’t know!

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It really takes a new spiritual floor, and a new sense of what I am up to (and soft body to go with it). None of these are kind or sweet.  None fit the way I’ve liked to think about myself, or the way I’ve worked (largely unconsciously) to make others see me as nice, kind, and beyond rejection. Its not pretty to discover these things about yourself. Its a big gap leaving behind facade.  Its a big trust seeing what my vulnerable competence is.  It takes a different sense of who you are and what you are up to that you don’t need to know this yet. This takes spiritual maturity.

Being ‘lost’ is an accomplishment, a major one! Loving it without anxiety is a new stage. Living your vulnerability and what you must do out loud, without knowing what it will be. That is living aloud.

A poem:

It takes…
Vision and faith to be an artist.
You return to yourself
Tolerate yourself
Deeply
Approval/rejection don’t tell you what is possible
This separates you from most people.
You’ve got another guide
ugh!
Hard earned
Make friends with all that is liked and un-liked in you.
Your wellspring.
Your flow.
Your life force.
Be friend your rage, your self-hatred, your anguish
Don’t fix or change it
It is a leap of faith
So hard earned
Surrendering to be an artist

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