Finding her

I am a vast midwesterner.
I am a woman who has always resided in the grey.
I am playful, fun, tricky, creative When I am relaxed.

I have been confused about these aspects of myself for a long time. The first, confused/ashamed. The second, denied, fear of grief and lack of companionship. The third, I didn’t allow myself enough: too busy seeking something.

Somehow letting go of all I wanted (didn’t want), releases me. Not the family, the love, the births/body, the trajectory, the home, the story – each their own story. I step into pain unfathomable. But the pain is less than the suffering of not.

Sadness and joy. I didn’t think I could be.

Who knew this is what ground would be/feel like?